At the beginning of the Olympic Games when it was suggested Britain would do well in cycling and rowing the Australian ~Minister for Sport, Culture and Floater Pies dissed our chances by saying the British would “choke” when they came up against Australian opposition. He also suggested that British competitors were not very fond of using soap.

Now this blog has some good friends who are Austrailian and they are lovely, fragrant people so I will resist the temptation to say its nice to find at least on Australian who has heard of soap. Instead I will just mention our haul of medals against Australia’s meagre collection and say that perhaps the Aussies wusses should by-pass the summer Olympics and concentrate on the winter games. The must have a chance of at least a Bronze in the sledging event but that's the only sport at which they truly excel.

Unless of course the British representatives are me and fatsally, in which case the Aussies would be eliminated in the first round.

More humour from Boggart Blog every day.

Greenteeth Multi Media

The path of true love does not run smooth. Especially when you are a disabled turtle in search of a mate. Unable to use her hind legs, Avara was having difficulty attracting the right sort of young turtle, in fact any sort of turtle whatsoever, young, old, male, female.
Staff at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo saw her plight and came to the rescue , fitting her with a pair of wheels. Now trundling happily about she has finally met the right young turtle. Aaaahhh.

The action in Beijing is starting to spread itself more thinly as events move toward their climax. As a consequence of this shortage of sport the BBC presenters are getting a tad desperate in their efforts to fill time between interesting bits of action.

Today for example they showed a little retrospective on the fate of athletes expected to win their event who, after having been chosen to ignite the Olympic torch as representative of the host nation and later had their gold medal hopes thwarted by bizarre mishaps. Was there a jinx operating? Probably not but it was good television.

This item was triggered by the unfortunate withdrawal due to injury of China’s superstar hurdler. In turn it kicked off an interesting discussion in the studio. The athlete chosen for the task is meant to be a shining example of the host nation’s youth, and embody their countries hopes, ideals and values.

Eventually the panel’s thoughts turned to who might be selected to light the flame for the 2012 Olympic pageant in London. To whom would the task of representing Britain’s finest and being the symbolic embodiment of our nation fall?

The consensus of opinion pointed towards Amy Winehouse.

The image of Amy, wearing six inch stilettos and her enormous wig as she teeters up to the giant Bunsen Burner, ciggy in mouth, lighter in one hand, bottle of Voddie in the other, out of her head on a drug cocktail that defies chemical analysis would send just the right message from Britain to the world.

We may no longer be a dominant economic or military power, a centre of scientific and technical excellence of a fine example of fairness, justice and good manners.

But we still know how to throw a party.

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Ok so there I was surfing the interactive TV Olympic coverage yesterday when I lighted upon MEN'S beach volleyball.
"Whey hey," I thought, "Shoulders and six packs and cute little bums encased in lycra!!!!!"
So I selected.
What did I get? Four chaps in baggy shorts and baggier vests. Not Fair!
This is obviously sexual discrimination. The only reason for ladies' beach volleyball is so the blokes can ogle the fit girls in the bikinis, if you're going to have a male equivalent then the girlies should be able to ogle the fit boys in skimpy lycra.
And let's face it, whilst the Olympics may showcase the best in sporting achievement, most of the athletes haven't got the right kind of figure, male or female, to be termed totty. Seeing chaps with their fun sized meat and two veg jiggling up and down isn't really very enticing.
Perhaps we could have semi naked tennis. Novak Djokovic showed off a fine pair of shoulders and more besides as he ripped off his shirt on winning the bronze.
Rafa has a glorious physique, Federer can hold his own in any manly chest contest, as indeed most of the top male players can. What a treat it would be to see these splendid young men batting that ball about naked from the waist up, instead of having to hope the camera stays on them at change of shirt breaks.

Hell hath no fury like an Australian woman scorned. Anna from Queensland has taken revenge on her cheating husband by auctioning his mistress's "huge" panties and his "size small" condom packet on eBay.

She says next in line for auction will probably be her husband's Harley Davidson motorcycle "at a start price of 99 cents and, of course, with no reserve!" Now that is going a bit too far we think.

But what of the items online so far? A photograph shows the lacy black undies, described as "size humongous" and the "size small" condom wrapper, which the woman found in her bed. Anna says of the panties: "They are so huge I thought they may make someone a nice shawl or, even better, something for Halloween perhaps."

Now Boggart Blog cannot comment on the condoms but the knickers don’t look that big. Perhaps Anna was driven by shame to exaggerate, she did allege the items were found in her marital bed after hubby allegedly brought big arsed lover Kylie to their home for a sex session while Anna was at work.

Hmm, Kylie eh? This story is starting to smell a bit fishy and it’s nothing to do with Kylie’s big knickers.

Anna describes how she returned home early from work after her "soon to be ex-husband" of 22 years mistakenly sent her a romantic text message meant for the other woman, only to find him discouraging her from entering their bedroom. Now if the bed was still warm from the heat of Kylies abundant bottom why was the husband sending romantic texts to a woman who was in bed next to himwhen the text was sent.

Undeterred by simple matter like fabricating a credible story, Anna says that in the bedroom she found the empty condom wrapper under hubby’s pillow and "The Tart's panties at the foot of the bed".

The listing was initially taken down by eBay Australia because of its policy of refusing to sell secondhand underwear, spokeswoman Inessa Jackson told Brisbane's Courier Mail.

"We let her know about the policy and instead she's now selling a photograph of the offending knickers," Jackson said.

"eBay does connect colourful buyers with colourful sellers and I wouldn't be surprised if someone did buy these items, though I couldn't speculate on who would buy them or why.

"This is obviously very therapeutic for this woman and it must be a great channel for her views on cheating and the sanctity of marriage."

The photograph, which had a starting price of just 69 US cents, down from the original 99 cents asked for the actual items, had received 47 bids by Thursday, with the top offer standing at 127.50 US dollars with four days to go.

The listing, along with the wife's story, has been added to eBay Australia's Best of eBay site at http://bestof.ebay.com.au

Quite frankly Boggart Blog finds it impossible to believe any of this. But when did that ever stop us publishing.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

A father in Kent has launched a campaign to have the junior football reserves team re-named because it makes the poor little kiddies who don't make the first team feel second best.
Presumably both teams will be called the first team, or the "A" team. No doubt the teams shouldn't have a captain either, because the children who aren't chosen to be captain will be upset. We've already had some halfwit saying that league positions for under 11 years football teams shouldn't be published because the losers might be upset.
If this attitude takes hold imagine the scene in 20 years time. The Premiership will consist of 92 teams, and there will be no Championship, Division 1 or 2. Everyone will be allowed to have the F.A. Cup in their trophy cabinet for one 3 day period, and all football matches will end in a draw, probably goal-less so that there is no goal difference to mark a team as not quite as good as any other team.
Of course the standard of football will have fallen as there will be no point in being brilliant if you are not allowed to win, or not even allowed a place in the first team because somebody who isn't as good wants to play but can't be bothered to put in the effort to improve.

Thank f*** for the return of the X Factor. With politicians on holiday and the world drifting towards war, economic meltdown and environmental catastrophe it promised to be a bleak period for satirical bloggers. And to be honest, taking the piss out of the Olympic Games was getting a bit tedious. No challenge you see, it’s too easy.

Then the X Factor burst back onto out screens, sans Shaton, I mean Sharon, but with a new judge who does not want to say anything nasty (coz that’s Simon’s job) about the dickheads who turn up to audition.

The first part of the show was great, the Manchester audition was wall to wall nutters. Well that’s Manchester for you, and we wouldn’t want it any other way.

Just as I was beginning to think the whole show was devoted to dingbats Rachel arrived. Gorgeous Rachel Nixon, pretty and bubbly, slim and shapely, woke the show up. Never mind that she pronounces “nothing as “nuffink” after all it’s The X Factor.

When Rachel announced she is 26 everyone was a bit gobsmacked. When she said she’d had five children, the eldest aged thirteen, everyone was very gobsmacked. When she opened her mouth and sand everyone was totally gobsmacked.

Win or lose in The X Factor Rachel could have a glittering showbiz career as a singer or presenter ahead. She just needs to understand The K Factor. If a girl wants to get on in life she must learn to keep her knickers on.

More humour every day with boggart Blog

By the end of the Olympic Swimming events it’s a toss up whether Michael Phelps will have more gold medals than he consumes calories in an average day.

In view of the efforts of Government health advisors to persuade us to take up a more healthy diet and do more sport to reduce the impact of "the obesity timebomb" we feel it was a mistake for Phelps' trainers to reveal details of his diet.

The wonder swimmer consumes 12,000 calories a day, including large pizzas, burgers, cheese sandwiches laden with mayo, huge bowls of pasta with rich sauces, 12 egg omelettes milk shakes, energy drinks and much much more…..

You can just imagine Ma and Pa Lardarse, slobbed out on their sofa in front of the television as their jelly - like son wobbles fatly on the reinforced chair at his computer desk, saying “ Duh, no wonder our little Tommy never does anything ‘cept play computer games. Poor kid isn’t eating enough, he’s go no energy. We need to feed him more and maybe he will become an Olympic superstar.

More Olympic humour every day from Boggart Blog

NBC's Olympic Fraud Exposed
This article from huffington Post shows the big news orgasnisations lag behind Boggart Blog but they get there in the end. We covered Olympic fraud and deception four days ago.

Not too very long ago, a government bod declared the obesity crisis to be as dire as global warming, (Supersize Me).
Now a public health expert from Durham University suggest that the threat to Britain and the NHS from rising obesity levels is the same as the threat posed by terrorists.
What on earth does he mean? Are hospitals, Gp's surgeries, polyclinics etc. at risk because the fat patients are liable to explode?
What can the government do about this?
Boggartblog has received some interesting draft, or should that be daft, legislation from an unnamed source in the Health MInistry.

1. All people with a BMI (Body Mass Index, think of a number, divide it by two, times it by the number you first thought of, add the square root of 1600 and then put the answer into binary form, or something like that) of 30 or more will be stopped and searched for evidence of junk food.
2. Health officials will have the right to monitor phone calls, mobile phone calls, text messages and e-mails of anyone suspected of having a fetish for deep fried Mars Bars, Lambrini, Full coke, going large or anything else that doesn't involve five portions of fruit and veg per day.
3.Anyone found to be, or thought to be, overweight may be held for up to 42 days without food, apart from droopy lettuce, sad celery and cucumber.

You have been warned. If you see any unattended fat people please do not approach them but report them to the authorities immediately. A government fat disposal squad will be deployed to secure the area and perform a controlled explosion if necessay.

Most people think Viking is a noun, The Vikings etc., but actually it was a verb to the people who coined the word. To viking.

Just a scrap of useless info for you.

Watching the Olympic rowing today I was pleased to see our team doing well along with the usual rowong suspects, U.S.A. Canada, Australia, China and Germany.

Rowing is one of my favourite sports and it was good to see a small nation taking on the giants as Denmark won places in many finals. Their success should not be surprising of course, the Danes have been a nation of boatmen since pulling on the oars was the only reliable way to make your boat get anywhere near the place you wanted to go.

So Denmark's succes is explained by their history.

The only problem was when the Danish boat reached the end of the lake, the crew would jump out and start to pillage and plunder.

More Olympic humour tomorrow fron Boggart Blog

Pleasant as it is for us Boggart Bloggers to turn away from the cares and woes of life and get all our ideas for sick, cruel humour from events at the Olympic games, regular news in the shape of the American Presidential election has intruded. Well this is a global news blog after all.

It is our duty to report the big stories that you do not see on television or read about in the newspapers.

One of the controversies in the U.S. campaign has been that the candidates are shying away from talking about the big, important issues that concern ordinary people. In response to these criticisms Barak Obama and John McCain have released details of their favourite music. The pitfall in this is one’s favourite songs can provide some insights into the hidden agendas of the candidates.

Barak Obama’s personal top ten includes songs by Frank Sinatra and other such easy listening stuff. This will not be helpful to the candidate after he has been criticised by people such as Jeremiah Wright and Al Sharpton for not focusing on Black issues.

John McCain meanwhile, whose major worry is how to win the support of the Religious Right, an electoral bloc on which Republican candidates can usually rely. Despite that he cites as his personal No. 1 Dancing Queen by ABBA.

Now that is only ever going to be interpreted as a sweetener to the gay vote.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

The Trashiest Tabloid Barak Obama was trashed in a story of dubious veracity by The Dily Mail. True to form this srt the Obama supporters off whining again. Of course the more they whine the more theor opponents will goad them, knowing that a whiner will never get elected. Yes, I know George W Bush was a wino, I said whiner.

The Blue Collar Myth
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/aug/14/barackobama.uselections20081
More spurious analysis from Obama supporters. All it proves is they don't understand how America's electoral college works.

Conveniently forgetting it was actually Georgia that actually launched the initial attack on Russia thus starting the warette in the Caucasus, Labour's Minister for Europe showed what eight years sucking up to the Bush administration does to a party's grasp of foreign policy when he called for a pan European respoonse to "Russian aggression."
"Georgia is a small and beautiful democracy" said John Murphy of the Caucasian snakepit of tribalism and sectarianism.
Small and beautiful Geogian is not as anyone who watches the news would know. Perhaps Mr. Murphy was thinking of the only person of Georgian birth he has heard of, Katie Melua.

Now she is small and beautiful.

More humour every day from Boggart Blog

Back in the good old days of the BBC, when they held the monopoly on quality sports broadcasting, once every four years you could watch the Olympic Games.
One sport that was always televised was the gymnastics.
The ladies competed in four disciplines; the beam, the vault, floor and asymmetric bars.
How sad to see that this is no longer the case. Today's competitors, according to the Beeb, now compete in the beam, the vault, the floor and the uneven bars.
Dubing down or what.
Presumably the men's parallel bars are known as the even bars.

So the cute little Chinese girl who sang at the opening ceremony and “won the hearts of the world,” to quote one tabloid, was not all she seemed to be . The beautiful voice belonged to Yang Pei Yi, a cute child in the way of those round faced Chinese dolls little girls used to play with. As well as looking too Chinese Yang is also getting her second teeth. Not photogenic enough for western audiences, the authorities decided. They used Yang’s recording but parachuted in a substitute for the live appearance. Lin Mi Oke, a child with fine bone structure and the wide cheekbones and narrow jaw typical of Eurasians in the South West of China was sure to appeal to westerners, particularly those mothers who push their daughters into junior beauty pageants and the paedos who lust after the prematurely slutty contestants.

What we saw while watching the opening ceremony was no lovely little Li singing live but Li Lip-syncing to a recording of the more tuneful Yang.

Cue outrage! And the sport has hadly got started.

“The Phoney Games” blustered one paper as, on the back of the singing scandal it emerged that some of the fireworks in the spectacular pyrotechnics display were actually not fireworks but computer generated effects. Even worse, we learned next that volunteers were being bussed in to fill empty seats at the venues for certain niche sport events such as synchronised diving, small bore shooting and sticking baguettes up your nose.

But are the Beijing games any more phoney than any modern entertainment event. When all is said and most is done they are supposed to be about sport not singing and ceremonies Soon the crowds will rapturously applaud the pharmaceutically enhanced efforts of runners, jumpers and throwers; singing superstars lip sync at live gigs and there was no fuss about news of people being bussed into Berlin to swell the crowd for Barak Obama’s speech and reinforce the impression that he is a viable candidate.

All that aside, we are happy to see “best live performer of the year” awards going to performers who have never sung live in their lives. So if it’s good enough for Madonna, why not for the Olympic games?

As Tony Blair once said, “presentation is everything.”

How To Do better At The Olympics

Away from the Olympics, last weekend saw the World Sauna Championships being held in.... oh go on, have a guess...yup Finland.
You might be surprised to learn that the women's champion comes from Finland and was able to stay in a sauna heated to 110C for just over 5 minutes.
The men's champion stayed in the sauna for a stunning 18 minutes and yes, he came from Finland too.

Showbiz trumps reality

What is going on in the world of Equestrianism?
Mary King,47, helps Britain's Three Day Eventers to Bronze, whilst Mark Todd, 52, comes out of retirement to compete for New Zealand.
They could start a new sub category, The Geriatric Olympics.

Synchronised diving must be the weirdest Olympic sport ever. As I was watching disinterestedly this morning a couple of divers jumped off the board at the same instant, did all the twists and somersaults in perfect unison and hit the water together.

“The kids done good, fair play to them,” I was thinking when the commentator started babbling on about how they had messed up by making a splash as they hit the water. WHAT? Now I admit to knowing nothing about swimming, diving and stuff, that’s fatsally’s area, but in my experience, and you can call me old fashioned if you like, when a human being sized object is thrown into water it tends to make a splash. It’s the laws of physics and stuff.

So what is the point of this sport? If competitors are not supposed to make a splash it would, would it not, make more sense if they were to dive into custard or mashed potatoes or onto concrete.

More Olympic humour every day from Boggart Blog

The intrusion of the mobile phone into every aspect of our lives continues apace. The wretched things even invaded the Olympic area.

I have to admit I dislike this form of communication. The government has attempted to ban talking on mobiles whilst driving, but only succeeded in fueling a rush on hands free sets, meanwhile stand on any street corner and you will soon be into double figures counting the number of drivers with a phone manually clamped to their ears.
I hate people who clogg up the aisles of the supermarkets as they chat away on their mobiles. Well yes, they may be using them as an aid to shopping, but for heaven's sake, get organised, make a list and stick to it.
Even more annoying are people who insist on answering their mobiles whilst they are in the middle of a conversation with somebody else. This is sooooo rude, is that person so much more interesting or important than the person standing next to them?
What do they think the caller is going to say,
"This is the four minute warning. Duck and Cover!"
"Gordon Brown has just resigned and called a General election."
"Christiano Ronaldo is not going to leave Man U."

Or will it be , "Hello, I'm on the train! Where are you?"

However the worst instance of mobile phone intrusion has to be at the OLympic Diving Pool, where Tom Daley's diving partner, Blake Aldridge, was talking to his Mum on his mobile, in the middle of the competition!!!!
It wasn't even as if his Mum was home in Blighty, she was there, poolside, watching him.
This could add a whole new dimension to sport.
There's the England cricket team,Australia needing the opposition needing 20 runs off the last ove to win the Ashes, waiting for instructions from the captain, who is busily conversing with his best mate down the pub.

The World Cup finals, England and Germany are level pegging after extra time and three penalties each, waiting for Mr. Rooney to step up to the spot, but no, he's just making a quick call to Colleen.

The men's final at Wimbledon, Murray vs Nadal, two sets a piece, 19- 20 in the tie break and Murray has to save the point to save the match, oh hang on, he's just taking a quick call from Judy, his Mum, up in the competitors' box.

Blake, you may have shown yourself to be a snake in the grass at best, immediately slagging off your 14 year old partner, and laying all the blame on his young shoulders, but by talking to your Mum on the phone in the middle of a competition, you definitely get the gold for the biggest arsehole of the Games.